


I don't miss you

by AnotherGayEllen



Series: The Murphys [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (song), Abusive Relationships, Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Death, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Not Connor friendly, One Shot, Requiem, Zoe's pissed dude, Zoe-centric, it's basically requiem but more, teen and up because of language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:08:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24164869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherGayEllen/pseuds/AnotherGayEllen
Summary: Zoe doesn't miss Connor. Here's why.
Relationships: Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy
Series: The Murphys [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1743952
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	I don't miss you

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this because I totally see Connor/Evan being a thing and I want to write/read about it but I think it's still important to remember that Connor was canonically an ass to Zoe so I want to get inside their head to understand better their relationship and possibly, in another fic, redeem Connor.
> 
> Hope you like it :)

I remember being little and listening to Connor’s songs in the car with him. Remember us singing along together.

I remember running around the park with him, playing tag, and laughing while mom and dad took in the view. 

I remember, that point in life, when he wasn’t… Like that. 

When he wasn’t angry, and explosive, and borderline fucking terrifying.

I just don’t remember when it all changed.

I remember camping in the living room together, watching movies and playing videogames. 

And then I remember having to do it alone. 

Then not at all.

I remember the times he would talk endlessly at the dinner table, about some movie or TV show, so excited like it was the most amazing thing that he just had to share with us.

Then I remember the times he and dad would let the food go cold so they could yell at each other at the top of their lungs.

One of the times that I do remember first realizing Connor was a dick, was one night that I told him I wanted to be a singer when I grew up. He said that that was the stupidest thing he’s ever heard, and it was never going to happen. 

That must have been one of the first times he said something like that to me because I remember being confused, and sad, and heartbroken.

It’s hard to realize, that, for some reason you just can’t figure out, your brother fucking hates you.

Then I just remember he being progressively crappier. 

Locking himself up in his room every day, even if that meant slamming the door on my face.

Exploding at me when I asked if he was ok.

Trying to kick my fucking door down because he thought I had his cigarettes.

Yeah, that confusion, and sadness, and heartbreak, it evolved into hate.

It wasn’t my fault he and dad fought all the time, it wasn’t my fault he was an addict, it wasn’t my fucking fault he was unhappy.

He couldn’t say the same about my unhappiness. 

Because my life would be really fucking better without him in it. 

If he wasn’t there, maybe I wouldn’t be afraid in my own home.

If he wasn’t there maybe I would actually talk at the dinner table. 

If he wasn’t there maybe mom and dad would listen when I did. 

I thought it was convenient when he started wanting to ditch school because it would be a dream not to have him there, at least.

At least at school, I wouldn’t be yelled and cursed at, and my life could actually be about me for once.

I was happy to be able to pretend he didn’t exist, at least for a little bit.

So how can I be sad? 

How can I be sad that he’s gone, as if that’s not what I wanted for so long?

Should I mourn the kid that let me lay my head in his lap on long car rides? The kid that told me jokes and showed me drawings? The one that was good to be around?

He was long gone.

And I won’t mourn the fucking nightmare that lived in my house.

So, he was miserable, that didn’t mean he had the right to take it out on me. Just because he felt like crap, it doesn’t mean he gets to make me feel like that too.

His death isn’t an apology, and I won’t take it as one. It doesn’t make up for all the shit he’s done. It doesn’t make him a hero.

So fuck you, Connor.

I don’t miss you.


End file.
